America, Day 10

America, Day 10

Woke up to a beautiful morning and…more problems with the Internet. Sigh. Perhaps Wi-Fi really IS the bottom rung of Maslow’s pyramid. It seems we can get little done without it.
More reflection, of the good kind this time. Much deep pain is being cleansed on this trip and I can feel it both spirit and body. I did not know that the shadows cast were this long, but I have faith – as I have had since forever – that no matter how great the darkness, the light is greater.

Resisted the urge to go back too much into reverie and past memory. My sense is now that it is the future that will illumine what came before. We need to go forwards to go back, and back to go forwards.

Balance, balance, always balance. 静あり,動あり。(stillness in motion、motion in stillness)

( 闇あるところ光あり、悪あるところ正義あり。)

Where there is darkness, there is light, and where there is evil, there is justice. Whoever would have thought that Rom Stol’s words would be such succor to me, a full 15 years after I first heard them. Well, I’ve lived a life full of anime and games, and I do believe it shows.

More poetry.

I have come to another river, it seems
and this time I ford it in joy and gratitude
rather than tarry overlong in waters of
anguish past.

My sword which has served me so long and so well
is beaten into not into any plowshare
but instead turned to reflect that eternal light that shines
a golden beam strikes the edge and splits into
a cascade of rainbows that shines on all Creation.

What pain still remains
I offer up in supplication
It has taught me all it can
may the Universe make better use of it
than I ever could.

This no editing thing is real. I think I’ll keep with it.

Another attack of the past in the morning. This has happened so many times I am well aware of what it is now…古傷の残像 (the afterimages of old wounds)

Let it ride, let it go. Resist to urge to tell everyone and everything about it. You know you can handle it on your own. The difference between the true sharing between friends, and the pathological desire to be rid of whatever is troubling you NOW.

Had a good talk with D about psychotherapy in general. We touched on a lot of issues, but most specifically psychology’s past focus on pathology. Though that is changing – especially with Martin P Seligman’s positive psychology and other practitioners’ differing perspectives. What we focus on becomes us. There has been too much been said about the bad, and not enough about the good.

Though that being said, I still remember more than 10 years of my life in which pathology was the mainstay and the centerpiece of everything. As Shakespeare might say, how it doth raven up and consume your soul. It had to be dealt with because if not it would have destroyed me. Now is the time in which attention can be given to the positive and not just the negative.
Therapy isn’t life…therapy is what we go through in order to GET to life. Therapy has been part of my daily life for as long as I can remember, but it shouldn’t be the main focus. I’m happy that I’ve reached a point where it isn’t! Yes, you can have too much of a good thing.

Also the issue of diagnosis. I was quite surprised to learn that in the UK the DSM is NOT treated as the Holy Bible. For the less psychological of my readers :

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DSM-5

I wiki, so you don’t have to!

I guess it stands to reason because they have the National Health Service and as such don’t need the diagnostic criteria as much for insurance reasons. The world is made up of so many things, don’t you think?

Diagnosis only goes so far, it doesn’t present the full picture. What the world calls depression or anxiety has so many factors and permutations. I’d like to talk more about it here but actually, most of what I want to say about that is in other upcoming blog posts, in my book and my poetry. So I’ll at least attempt to keep this travel-centred for now.
Went on a tour of old Sacramento and the Crocker Art Museum. And many good pictures were taken.

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The Universe, and everything in it.

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Looks like some kind of boss monster doesn’t it?

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Ah, time. Since I’m dealing with it, I thought I’d take a picture of it.

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The plaque on the wall spoke about children caught in war. I know all about that, in a different way than most perhaps. It’s a good picture.

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D remarked that it reminded her of The Scream. Obviously someone didn’t like rush-hour traffic.

Many references in this picture. Gotta catch’em all!

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Biohazard switch as art. Ultra post-modern.

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These are made out of clay. Amazing ain’t it?

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Very Nighthawks. I like it.

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Mexican plate used for the Day of the Dead.

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More Mexican art. What do you expect, it’s California!

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Inspired by children’s books. I like it.

I like this sign.

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I particularly like this piece. It looks different from every angle. Here’s a video which I hope captures it.

All this museum going reminds me of my last travelogue to Japan, in which I spent plenty of time in museums. I’m going to have to drag that out and reblog it sometime.

Ai Wei Wei’s bronze heads were the highlight of the moment, and so we went there to see them. They’re quite a spectacle.

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My sign, the Dog.

Though I must say that a rather unkind thought popped into my head – well, I could totally make these bronze heads if my father was one of China’s most celebrated poets!

We can’t pick our parents. I’m reminded of Malcolm Gladwell’s Outliers, in which he makes the point quite clear that behind seeming success is actually often a LOT of advantages. Parents, money, connections, being in the right place at the right time…and sometimes just being plain lucky (or unlucky)

So I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. None of us should be. We just play the hand we’re dealt the best we can, and I’m determined to turn jokers into aces at any given opportunity.

More pics of old Sacramento, which my hosts were gracious enough to take me around.

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An architectural marvel know as…Big Pink. A rather apt name.

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The store known only as Bagel. What a name.

It was time to go back and prepare dinner. 2 and a half hours of cooking madness.

The knife I used was a real beauty. I spent like a full minute simply slicing something, marvelling at the sharpness of the edge, slicing it again and sighing in pleasure. If I had knives like these I’d cook everyday! They also cost a few hundred bucks, so I’ll stick with the one at home which is like…9?

I’ve prepared everything before so it was pretty easy to do. Pics of the food because, well, isn’t that what everyone does these days?

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Everyone liked the beef, including me. One of my oldest recipes which has gone through a few revisions.

Then it was time for dessert, which I don’t have a picture of.

I’m going to relate with some embarrassment that I got a bit tipsy at my own dessert. They are oranges soaked in cointreau with sugar, and they really pack a punch, even if they are soaked for only half a day as opposed to a full day.

It was just when D was commenting that the fruit masks the impact of the liquor, which can really sneak up on you, that it hit…speak of the devil, as they say. I had to go lie down.

I may just relate a bit of what it felt like.

I feel fear. I’m scared that I will have a panic attack, but I know that isn’t me. Thoughts arise – so many thoughts. Should I hang on? Should I focus on something and block everything else out? What if I get sick? Will I cause trouble to others? I want to talk, to participate, but I don’t exactly feel that good…

I know where this is coming from – the past, and my mind. It doesn’t wish to feel and so it shunts off everything into. I’m scared that I will throw up, or that I will pass out…but frankly I won’t, and if those things happen it’s not the end of the world. So I simply let myself ride it through…slowly does it.

I really REALLY don’t enjoy feeling this disoriented. And people do this for fun? Though I guess most people don’t have my traumatic past to contend with when they get drunk. My mother got terribly drunk more than once and I had to deal with it, which put me off drinking.

So I went to sit on the couch. D was pretty conscientious and knew exactly what to do – which was to leave my alone, refuse my request to hold my hand (probably a good idea) and give me water to drink. She’s probably seen tipsy people before.

As new experiences go this was pretty interesting though. I also got a better gauge of my post-dissociative, post-medication, post-rebirth tolerance for alcohol…which is kind of low. Something to remember. I guess I’ll just go back to drinking water for now.

My hosts had 2 guests over and they talked a bit about their son, who is incredibly talented and successful. Amazingly enough did not get super envy attack. I guess my healing is pretty on track.

The end of another long day. See you all tomorrow.

America, Day 9

Woke up early to some connectivity problems with the wi-fi. I guess I shouldn’t assume it will work everywhere. Decided to continue writing in the absence of the Internet.

More of the past distintegrates. The envy that used to hound me, the constant feeling of being “late”, the money worries…all that seems so faraway now. The sword, the spear and the scythe spake true…this IS the new world, even if I trouble believing it sometimes.

All the refutations and excuses that I used to go up and down with for hours on end. Why aren’t where I want to be in life at this moment? Well, it’s because I was abused. It all seems obvious to be now. What were once excuses and rationalizations turn into strength. What seemed like it was on Mars in the past now is so easy to do it’s almost frightening.

Why do I ever care about this time thing that goddamn much anyway? So I lost some time. Who doesn’t? I can take it on the chin and get on with life, as it were. There IS a point to mourning yesterday, but I think I’ve long since passed it.

It’s…complicated, as most things are. And also simple, as even more things are. Once again I’m putting aside the desire to go deep inside the mind, to figure things out, to explicate endlessly and write it out in a clear and conside manner – because these things are anything BUT clear and concise.

I went back to read a little of my previous writing. It wasn’t bad…raw in several places, but that’s only to be expected. I can feel the criticism inherent in it, and I remember how I would spend my time tearing myself to bits over every each line, instead of well…just writing!

I thought and rested and wrote in the dawn light, and it was good. Sometimes there is nothing more to say.

Not having Internet is a pain. No matter how much I like writing. Will eventually have to learn to get this blog thing set up properly as well.

D came down and I asked her to reset the router. And then like magic, it worked! Resetting things should always be your first port of call in the case of any technological malfunction.
Went out with my hosts and had a wonderful brunch at a nearby cafe. It was really really good. No pictures though.

Walked slowly back near through the river and saw a gaggle of geese who wanted food and a small snake, both of which I also did not take pictures of. Sometimes it’s good to just be with nature and not feel you have to capture it.

Had more wonderful and stimulating conversations with D about a variety of issues, including socioeconomics, human history and LGBT issues. She remarked and I agreed that this increased interest in LGBT and human sexuality seemed to have exploded in recent years – what was the cause?

Well, Ellen, for one. Caitlin Jenner, for another. And even way back, most probably Melissa Etheridge…Ricky Martin? One of the Wachoski brothers isn’t a Wachowski brother anymore. That’s just in popular culture. They’ve been signs that go back a ways, and not just in film and media either.

Which led to another interesting discussion about cycles and ebbs and flows in human society. Sometimes the signs are there but we can’t see them from where we are at the moment. That’s definitely been the case in my life. Hindsight is 20-20 applies to everything from country to county to our personal lives.

Makes you feel kind of small doesn’t it? In the grand scheme of things all our petty concerns like not being able to find the right kind of orange juice in the store seem paltry and insignificant. And yet each human life is precious, and our daily lives – no matter how small they may seem – all indeed have great meaning, if not to ourselves, but to the rest of the Universe as well. Everything is connected.

For so much of my life I was taught to put aside the small in favor of the large, and told also how my own struggles and sorrows meant nothing in the face of greater ones. It has taken me many many years to realize that those words were simply a false shield against great pain and sorrow that the speaker had no defense against.

Now it is a relief to realize that thought it may not seem like it at first, the simple act of putting on my shoes is also sacred, and that it should be attended to with the same spirit I give to prayer and well…everything else. That is a goal that may take some time to form in my life, but I believe it is one that is well worth aspiring to.

Mentioned that I like to cook and then suddenly in the matter of minutes it seems that I’ll be cooking for a party of 5 tomorrow. Bring it on! I volunteered anyway. We went out to buy groceries and I could actually find most of what I needed – this is California anyway, so their Asian selection is pretty good. Found a lot of the same stuff as I use in SG.

Went to a very nice open-air jazz concert which I do have one or two pictures of. Also ate tacos. Remembered that I didn’t much like tacos when I was younger but now I find them quite tasty.

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Was too far away to take good pics.

Also random scenery :

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Completely had no time to watch Gundam Unicorn, but I’m sure I will have time later.

Thought about gardening either tomorrow or the day after. That’s something I have never done before and so it would be interesting to try! The seeds aren’t ready though, so all I could do at the moment would be to till the soil…very John Steinbeck.

Chatted more in the car, especially about my favorite subject these days – What I Am Going To Do With My Life. Though I’m also realizing that everyone that I meet doesn’t really have a clue either. It’s a process! And like a friend of mine said, we should enjoy the process.

I still feel kind of embarrassed at times for talking so much about myself. Though I do realize that that stems from a prior (and invalid) injunction to shut myself up in a hole and not bother anyone. Coming more to the slow realization that I’m a human being and that I have the right both to listen and to be heard, especially about really important issues such as what I’m going through right now.

I don’t think I ramble overlong but something inside always tells me so…shut up, past, I know you’re up to not good. Get yourself gone. These are my friends whom I love dearly, and who I’m sure are as happy to offer their perspectives and advice as I am to receive it. That belief grows stronger and stronger every day.

California is…still nostalgic, though not overwhelmingly so. I haven’t cried on this trip so far! I would be lying if I said that the scenery does not evoke powerful emotion though. If you asked me at this precise moment what I would do, it would be to go to university or work here. But that may just be the nostalgia talking. It’s too early to say.

Had another nice dinner. Also no pictures. This food picture taking thing has gone too far, and the buck stops here. So…much…good…food. The first leg of my trip seems to be a lot of a) talking to much older people b) spirituality and c) cooking. I wonder what the second will be?

More deep and philsophical conversations with my hosts, ranging from…well, everything, it seemed. Culture, society, human civilization etc. I’d love to relate all that we discussed but I have a schedule to keep!

D was very interested in the history of Singapore, which is actually very interesting indeed…and unknown to a great many people. The national rhetoric is that Singapore is 50 years ago, which is quite frankly untrue. It’s history goes back a full two hundred years and is filled with events that are beyond the scope of one blog post to address.
We had wine and chocolates to go with it, which were fantastic and also proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that I Was All Grown Up Now. 21 years before I would have found all that deadly boring (maybe not the chocolates) and went off to play video games or read a book.

For the first time in my life I broke off the philosophical discussions early so I could get some sleep…busy day tomorrow! More evidence of maturity, I guess. Also, the assurance that there will be more in the future helps. Moving from scarcity to abundance has many forms.

It has been a day of deep thought and reflection, and it is indeed a blessing to share it with others, instead of sitting in my room all alone thinking my heart and head out, which was never the healthiest of activities. For the longest of times all those parts of my nature remained separate – anime, spirituality, philosophy, psychology, social justice…I can see at least some connections being formed now. I don’t believe I could choose between any one of them, and I don’t think I need to.

How does it all fit together? I still don’t know. There is but the path, and the willingness to walk it.

Goodnight all. And face front, true believers!

America, Day 8

Woke up early again. So many things to doooooooooooooooo…ok, slow down, focus. One thing at a time. No Unicorn today, I have a long day ahead of me. Maybe like…half an episode later. Maaaaaaaaaybe.

Bid farewell to everyone and settled in for the night. Had some time for self-reflection. As one of the older gentlemen said on Monday, I seem given to introspection – and he would be right. Sometimes too much so.

So many of the people I’ve met recently are actually of my parents’ generation. They listen to the same songs, read the same books (well, not all of them) and have at least some of the same viewpoints and frames of reference. Yet they are so different in many ways.

It’s not without some chuckling at myself that I realize I am doing many of the things that my parents once exhorted me to do unsuccessfully – make the beds properly, buy nice gifts (at least I hope they are nice!) offer to help, and even go to school. Of course when people are pressuring you to do them they are the last things you want to do, at any age.
I’m actually around the same age as the children of many the people that I meet. But yet they are my friends and not parent surrogates. It’s an interesting feeling, and one that I cherish greatly.

Wrote a bunch of stuff and ate some dim sum for lunch. Once again A seemed very intrigued by my dim sum sauce, which was a simple combination of vineger, ginger and soy sauce. I don’t think they get that here in the US.

Dim sum tastes the same as back in SG, at least to my untrained tongue. I’ve had so many friends howl about “nooooooooooooooo the Americans get it wrong!” but frankly I think it’s about the same in quality…perhaps a little meatier. Could be the high Asian population of California, could be my preference for Western food over Chinese in general. Whatever.

Drove up to P and D’s house in the afternoon. It took about an hour and a half, most of which I spent asleep in the car. More nostalgia…sleeping in the car! The warm sun has a way of making you doze off despite yourself.

Spent a lot of time looking out the window. California’s physical environment doesn’t seem to have changed at al. There are still the same fields of long grass, stuccoed walls in need of repair, and of course, the long and wide grey roads that stretch out everywhere. I felt the child in me respond, and I held his hand as we entered Sacramento.

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We turned a corner and there they were – IHOP! In-And-Out Burger! How I loved those places and wanted to go more, but my parents wouldn’t take me and I didn’t know how to ask. How I longed for them in the interim and denied it to myself. So many memories. But they don’t overwhelm me as they used to. It’s good to remember.

I am mindful of my promise to Mei An to eat at IHOP at least once, but there is IHOP all over the States. We’ll get there.

Took pictures. They look like pretty normal freeways, and they are, but they have different meanings to me.

Had a great talk with all my friends. There was a lot of conversation about tithes, pledge drives, congregations and other church related activities, which still surprises me sometimes. After all, when I was younger I balked at ANY mention of religion. I’m still not fully accustomed to praying…or having my prayers answered!

We shared stories from all over the world and had a very nice dinner besides, courtesy of D’s cooking. I helped out where I could.

I sense too that this trip will be very culinary, as well as spiritual. I couldn’t be happier! Finally I have a chance to cook and have people appreciate my cooking. I don’t get to do that half as much as I should in SG.

Mandatory pictures of delicious food :

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After dinner activity was singing. P is quite a songwriter (as I’ve detailed before) and I got the distinct impression that he doesn’t get to play his music as much he would like to. So D and I accompanied him on a few pieces. What are friends for, anyway? In any case it’s a pleasure to sing good songs, no matter where they might come from.

Come to think of it this is the very first time in my life I have actually sung a friend’s composition. It’s a good feeling. And I should really learn to read music at some point.

I’m what you might call a music instigator. As most of my friends know, if there is the slightest inclination or aptitude of singing in anyone, I go up to them and ask “do you want to karaoke?” And then I repeat it with the next person, and point fingers at both, and after say that “I know a good place we can go karaoke!”

After some time spent in these activities I can sort of sense it, it calls to me. It’s like a smell in the air, leading me to – I’m just kidding. It’s kind of obvious when people want to sing actually. Usually what happens is that I start singing and then other musical people come out of the woodwork and join in some fashion at some point, whether it’s karaoke or otherwise.

Bid a fond farewell to P and A. It was a wonderful time that I spent with them at their place, and a great beginning to my travels here in the US. I’ll never forget it, nor all the kind folk who shared their houses and hearts with me.

Will also change the name to Ph so he doesn’t get confused with P.

Took a long walk with Ph and D after dinner. Managed to get my entire life story out in under an hour…I’ve got this down to an artform now. Talked about what seemed like everything under the sun and more.

Sacramento in the evening is truly beautiful, so beautiful I forgot to take pictures, also because I was wrapped up in my life story. Sorry guys. There’s always tomorrow though!

Continued talking until it was bedtime. It was a long day and sleep beckoned. I’ll probably abandon this idea of having to end each night with a reference. I’m not THAT much of a glutton for punishment.

Night guys. (and girls)