Toxic codependency is a very real problem in today’s world that in my opinion is not discussed widely enough. Let’s start off with a definition so we’re all on the same page, though.
“Toxic codependency is a detrimental relationship dynamic where one partner consistently prioritizes their own needs over the needs of the other. In this type of relationship, individuals may develop a strong belief that they are unable to function independently without their partner’s presence and support. Consequently, they become excessively attached and reliant on each other, creating an unhealthy interdependence.”
Essentially, all relationships are to some degree about give and take. If we’re friends, we take pleasure in each other’s company – sometimes I help you, and you me. Parents assist their children as they grow up, and the children respond with love and affection. Emotions and feelings flow both ways.
In a codependent relationship, the basis of the relationship is “I need you to be ok so I’m ok” and “you can’t be ok without me” We go from being a two to forcing ourselves into a one – which is unhealthy in the extreme, because a relationship is between two people. Interactions become based on this premise, and fear of abandonment and lack of boundaries loom large – minor actions that anyone may take become blown up into larger than life affairs.
Truly diving into the scope of codependency is perhaps beyond the scope of one article, but here I hope to at least illustrate the basics. You wouldn’t expect to see much of this appear in anime, and indeed It’s not a common occurrence = incidences and portrayals of toxic codependency in media tend to be uncommon. However, in an artform as vast as anime, we are bound to find good examples, which I hope to highlight for you today.
What does anime bring to the table? A brief Google search doesn’t bring up much, only two articles, one of which is below.
(https://www.cbr.com/worst-unhealthy-codependent-anime-relationships/)
I also don’t 100% agree with the exact dynamics of each relationship discussed there, but I can definitely say that Light Yagami and Misa Amane are EXTREMELY toxically codependent – there’s really not much room for discussion with that one!
However, how about relationships which don’t seem like that on the surface? It can be difficult to detect a codependent relationship at first, as sometimes clinginess and neediness can masquerade as intimacy and closeness. Relationships can sometimes also be very complex, with multiple factors affecting how people relate to each other.
So let’s start with Fruits Basket as probably the best known of the three I will mention.
Akito Sohma is codependent in almost all the close relationships in her life with a capital C. She wants to control them all and desires their affections and love, but is equally afraid to lose them, creating a very unhealthy push and pull dynamic. Her controlling behavior and sometimes pleasant demeanor mask a deeply insecure and terrified young woman, who is afraid of losing her loved ones and herself.
Therefore, at every hint that those close to her will leave or disobey her whims, she will berate and scold them – which of course has the reverse effect of pushing them away instead of keeping them closer. Like many codependents, she can flip-flop from being kind and loving to narcissistic and harsh in seconds, depending on her moods and how she perceives she is being treated.
In the anime, some of the dynamics between her and the rest of her family have a supernatural element – Akito’s demands cannot be disobeyed because she is the “God” of the Sohma family. However, when you strip this away and focus simply on the human element, you can see relationships structures that arise in most codependent situations, regardless of culture, race or language.
Her family is supposed to obey and respect her (and in fact, some cannot do otherwise) but at the same time, they are hurt but her obviously erratic and irrational behavior. Like many in these situations, Akito is both an abuser because she was once abused herself, and her raging codependency stems from the fact that healthy relationships were never modelled for her – much like in similar real life situations.
(a decent writeup- https://www.tumblr.com/ultraericthered/651629810029936640/the-cycle-of-abuse-and-akito)
To a lesser extent, Tohru’s and Kyo’s relationship has codependent moments until both characters eventually mature and heal from their past traumas. Tohru genuinely does wish to connect with and assist others, but also has difficulty moving past the sudden death of her mother. Kyo also exhibits the very common sentiment of “I need you to be here so I’m ok” of codependency as he gets close to Tohru, further complicated by his own relationship with the Sohma family (Akito included) and his curse.
Their story is one of letting their guards down and being honest with each other so that trust has time to flourish. At certain points, both veer into but never really develop into full-blown codependency, somewhat due to the support that their friends and family give them.
The dramatic contrast between Akito and Tohru is pretty clear – one who was able to move past tragedy and relate to people authentically and one who is not. (Which clearly stems from good parenting for one and not the other) Eventually, Tohru does get through to her erstwhile rival, who is able to slowly see that her all her behavior does is push others away.
Full Moon wo Sagashite is another series which highlights this unhealthy relationship dynamic. Meroko and Izumi are codependent with each other in various ways. The former is unable to confess her feelings for the latter and vacillates between defending him and being hurt by his actions. The latter alternately blows hot and cold towards Meroko, occasionally seeming to reciprocate her feelings somewhat, but never conclusively.
Neither is able to fully own or express their own emotions or how they feel, instead relying on mixed signals and unclear messages. It is a dynamic which starts affecting their work lives as well.
The two of them go through quite a few ups and downs with each other and other significant people in their lives, but fortunately for them, their trials and tribulations do manage to get them to mature and understand more about communicating effectively. In the end, they manage to get out of their unhealthy dynamic and move on to a healthier place.
A last little known mention would be Sumeragi Lee Noriega and Billy Katagiri from Gundam 00. (second season spoilers) When Sumeragi’s world coming crashing down on her with the defeat of Celestial Being at the end of the first season, her lover takes her in…and enables her to live the life of a drunkard.
What seems like a kind act is in fact doing neither of them any favors. Sumeragi doesn’t truly love Billy – she’s just in a very bad place and needs someone to help her out. Billy for his part, even though he does indeed care for his lover, doesn’t really understand what is going on and is partially indulging his own selfish desires in “caring” for her.
It’s pretty textbook codependency, with the outwardly more capable partner enabling the other so both can “get what they want” – which in this case is running away from the reality of the world around them.
In another example of anime showing real life approaches to real life issues, Setsuna stages a one person intervention into Sumeragi’s life in his usual brusque manner – simply barging into the house and restating her real name and purpose again and again until she “gets it”. While most interventions are not so crude or forceful, it’s hard to argue with his results – Setsuna wants the old Sumeragi back, and his pointed approach does indeed shock her out of the state she’s in, although it does take some time for her to sober up.
Theirs has a happy ending of sorts, though. Though Billy does go harbor a lot of bitterness and spite for Sumeragi’s lying to him (though one could argue that it was not entirely intentional) the two of them actually have it out much later in the climax of the series (while fighting to save the world, no less) Sumeragi is able to clearly state that while Billy is important to her, he’s a friend and she has never seen him in that way. He is able to accept that and move on, retaining fond memories of her (as shown by a picture on his desk) and encounters another potential romantic love interest later.
While confrontations of those sort in real life may not have the magic of GN particles to transmit our feelings to each other, I would say that that scene is actually a fairly realistic portrayal of resolving past codependency. Sumeragi makes her stance clear without being hurtful, and Billy is able to (after an initial lashing out) to accept that.
In conclusion, humans are a social species, and we will always seek to form relationships with others, whether romantic or otherwise. While there is a huge amount of resources on the mechanics of such (I direct interested readers to learn about love languages and mirror neurons) since today’s article is mainly about codependency, I’ll only list two below.
In terms of real life assistance for codependency, I always refer people to Brene Brown’s work on boundaries as well as Pia Melody’s for codependency. Creating and maintaining healthy boundaries is part and parcel of any relationship, and we want to be close without leaning on the other too much, and be strong as well as allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. While it can at times be quite the balancing act, trust, kindness and authenticity are generally the bedrock of letting sustainable and healthy bonds flourish – instead of choke.