America, Day 12

Woke up early because I slept early, starting writing more blog posts. These things don’t write themselves!

FInding it easier and easier to write now I’m getting into a habit of doing it practically every day at regular times. There is something to be said for internalization.

Still sometimes haunted, still wish it would all just go away. I guess I’m only human.

Even as someone who is given to introspection, I sometimes wish I WASN’T. I definitely stay inside my skull too much sometimes. I have to remind myself of two things 1) I can actually DO things now and 2) I’m doing ok. I sit around and think a lot less than I normally did. Time to get out there and write and well, do more things.

Going to see my good friend BQ in Santa Clara today. The first leg of my trip is over, it’s all younger people from here on out. We’ll see what that brings.

I need to finish Gundam Unicorn at some point. Maybe in the train.

Took some pictures of this house in the early morning. I don’t think I will ever get tired of how everything that looked so ordinary can look so magical before the day starts.

Another friend of my hosts came over, a lady named C. A more talkative, vivacious, energetic and sharp lady you’ll never meet. She talked a mile a minute but somehow I didn’t really mind. Maybe it was the interesting stories she had to relate.

We took another last walk around the area. Goodbye Sacramento! It was nice knowing you. Maybe I’ll see you again, maybe I won’t.

Goodbye, Overly Aggressive Ducks. These guys want your bread and they want it BAD.

I asked for her advice after giving the short version of my life story, which I always do. She told me “Stay open, stay connected. Keep up with the writing.” I shall do that. 8 years in the Cave was far too long for my comfort. It was perhaps necessary but terribly painful. I’m finally alive and Heavens willing, I’m going to stay with way!

Had a super multicultural lunch, composed of leftovers from the last few days. I can’t think of a better way to end my multicultural adventures with multicultural hosts. We had the lethal oranges again but in my case I think discretion was the better part of valor and I opted out. C seemed to like them though – she even told her husband about them on the phone.

I may try some variations of them, (or another dessert entirely) in future, maybe on the trip. We’ll see how it all works out.

I wanted to try to get some music instigation going but it didn’t look like it was in the cards. D brought out this song called Swimming to the Other Side, though, which was good. And so I thought it appropriate to share the song that brought me to UU in the first place (C is also a UU) Everything Possible. It went over well, and she thanked me for sharing the song with her
Here’s a link if you are interested. It’s one of the most beautiful and meaning songs I’ve ever heard in my life, in any language.

Still experimenting with things. I could have pushed to sing Melodies of Life, which might have made me happy…but we might not have had enough time to do it. Does that upset me? Maybe not. My life is not dependent on singing one song for friends, no matter how dear they are. Maybe it’s because that they are dear that I can say this.

Now that I can have what I want, maybe I don’t even need what I want. It’s so weird. There’s no right answer, and I’m just feeling things out as I go along. That’s called life, I guess.
So many old ghosts to put away. Sometimes I still feel the old fears – no one likes me, no one’s listening to my music, I should be over this by now (thanks Mum, for saying that like a thousand times when it was never true…) etc etc etc. But the volume is turned down real low now.

It still hurts more than I would like it to. You know how it is – or maybe you don’t know how it is, so I’ll tell you. You’re doing something completely mundane like folding your clothes or making the bed and then it hits you anew…21 years. 21 fucking years of pain and anguish. Envy and time and all that was I fought rips through me once more, and I remember when I could not NOTHING but fight, in which surviving till tomorrow was the only goal that I had.

Breathe, breathe, breathe. It will pass. I close my eyes and tears leak out…I summon all the lightning and flame I wielded into me once and it burns and streaks across the darkness. If I draw the blade, if I transform into that incarnation of strength, the shadow WILL be banished. But maybe at this point I don’t need to that anymore. Put it away, let yourself hurt, let the pain itself be the healing. It’s possible.

What do I need? The child cries out in longing and hatred both. At this point I may need succor more than fulmination, temperance more than fury. What does HE need? Let go, let go. Whatever happens, I am held in the embrace of the Light, clad in heaven without blemish.

Time to attend to mundane matters once more and head to the station. Along the way D asked me what I thought of our time with them and I mentioned that not 30 minutes before I left a water glass on a wooden table without knowing about water spots. And when that happened I felt SO BAD ABOUT IT.

But she reassured me that it was ok because I didn’t know. Whew. What a relief. My sister is once again right – it helps the most to be able to told in the present moment by someone you trust that it’s ok. Another old wound healed. Thank you, my friends, for your many gifts to me – your advice, your house, your meals, your friends. May the Divine bless you in all its presence and power both.

Got a reply from one of my old friends in the USA. I was happy but sad at the same time…sad because whenever they ask me how I’ve been and what I’ve been doing all this time, I have to tell them the bad news. “No, I’m not a computer programmer/game designer/academic/teacher like you thought I would become, I’ve actually spent the last 21 years being abused and taking care of 4 kids.” I mean, it makes ME sad to have to write this, and tell them that.

I know, I know, I could be dead, it could be worse etc. But in the face of the facts those often sound like platitudes.

Argh, enough of this. Out of mind and into the world once more. I’m writing this on the train and I can see a horse farm on my left and well…that’s well enough.

Yes, I boarded the train with no difficulties. The Capitol Corridor train to San Jose, to be precise, though I’ll be stopping at Santa Clara.

More introspection and reflection onboard, along with pictures.

I tried to not go within overmuch but…what the heck. If it happens, it happens. The journey is not something outwards but inwards as well, after all. Don’t fight what comes.

But in the spirit of newness once again I’m not editing it and just writing whatever comes into my mind, James Joyce style. Apologies for the rambling. Skip if you wish, but I’m just going to let myself go here.

I wish I knew what it was in another life, not to have to be a parent at 12, or even earlier.

In the past I had to dredge up that strength, but now it’s simply here. I mind not what foes come because I have the power to defeat them. I don’t need to tear at myself for it.
What the child needs may be to go within, to heal instead of fight.

It’s another old ghost that tells me to settle down, to just get a steady job and go somewhere nice and easy. I have never desired that. That is not my dream, has never been my dream.

What my therapist says comes back once more…this IS the first time in 33 years that I have been free of her influence. I have to let the poison drain slowly. There will be times in which my mother’s issues still live on in me…accepting that and letting them go is part of my healing too.

Such a relief to realize that what pains me so is not mine in the first place, has never been mine.

It’s ok to yourself feel the deep pain, for it was a long time and it was truly hurtful. But not to swim in it and wallow. Let it go, for that burden is not yours to bear any longer.

There are yet more memories of California in the scenery, from things that I once saw to movies and books and games that bring up images of the sun-kissed earth. I think of letting the child have his way and just imagining what it might be like to move back here, at 33 instead of 12. Why not? There’s no harm in imagination. It’s one of our most powerful tools.

I know what I’m about! I know! Free from the curse of constantly second-guessing myself, some courses, at least, are very clear. But I don’t make the mistake as I did in the past of thinking that knowing once means knowing forever. Lanterns are lit, and we walk forwards, but things blur again and we search once more. The important thing is to keep on moving.

There will always be those that have less, and am I never ungrateful for what fortune I may have received. But one doesn’t blank out the other. To be fortunate is to be grateful, and to raise our hands in supplication to that which gives – human, earth or heaven – and not to hang our heads in shame over what we have, or have been granted.

This is my trip and no one else’s. These are my viewpoints, my songs, and what I think is my own business. My life, basically. I’m still getting used to that. I’ve never been able to ever do that before.

Don’t enjoy being overemotional…enjoy being correctly emotional. There is that something within which calls to me, and purged of the past, will return to what it should have been many many years before.

I know there are certain things that will stay, and certain things that will flow. It has already been that way, in many ways. Motion in stillness, and stillness in motion. Yin and yang in perfect balance.

Why not have a day filled with many things? That is, after all, what I wished for myself when I was younger. To create my own curriculum with my own discipline and own studies. To learn everything – though not all at once! Be like the Greeks who I so admired, mix emotional and physical and mental in correct proportions. Even cook sometimes. If I do burn out I’ll just take a fucking vacation or something.

I actually feel a lot better after writing all that down. The blade and the reflection both have their place. I do want to get out of my mind a lot more, but that doesn’t mean that the latter has no purpose…far from it.

Pictures of the scenery :

Managed to get some other writing done as well. I feel the past course through me as I write – some bad, mostly good. There’s a lot of the same nausea that I felt in last year November and December, in the midst of the death and rebirth, a grey miasma that has to be purged. I’m going to keep on writing no matter what distractions may come. There’s something on the other side – I can feel it. And by God I’m going to get there. If attempted suicide didn’t stop me 18 years ago I’ll be damned if anything is going to do so now.

But…there’s no need to try so hard. The bell has rung and the gates are open and all I really need to do is the let the waters flow. Let it happen. Effort isn’t the same as strain. It’s getting used to a new kind of writing, one that isn’t hampered overmuch by what has come before, but uses it as a fuel for creation.

Whew. Holy wall of text Batman! For once I’m not going to apologize for writing it…my Japanese side can go stuff itself for a while for once. I do hope that it helps someone out there, though, and that writing it wasn’t just cathartic for me but was of assistance to anyone who might read it.

Got out of the train and waited for my good friend BQ to pick me up. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen him. He’s someone that I have known for a long time but that I have never come clean about my issues with. So I told them the edited version of my life story again. Achievement Unlocked – life story complete with abuse in less than 10 minutes!

Met his fiancee as well, who a very nice lady indeed and a very good fit for him. Some of my friends have expressed concern that at the rate I’m going I might burn out, but she told me not to worry about that. She’s probably right, and I thanked her for her advice. After all, I’m finally getting to do what I’ve waited 33 years to do…burnout? What’s that?

Got to BQ’s house, which is nice, is messy…actually it’s not that messy. I have no idea why people have such hangups with messiness. I’m not going to judge you or your house in any way. ANd believe me, I have seen MESSY. This is not messy.

It is, however, Plushie City.

Aren’t they just adorable!

It’s been interesting to meet him again. He and I have actually impacted each other’s lives in pretty deep ways, though neither of us really realized it. He’s the only person on my journey of reconnection that actually remembers things that I don’t, for one!

Such a change of pace from the older people that have made up the first part of the trip. They were all a) retirees b) walked a lot c) were cooks and d) knew next to nothing about anime and games. The latter are almost the exact reverse in every regard. It looks like I will have to spend most of my time here inside the house instead of gallivanting around every single minute of the day…which is fine by me.

The past and the world continue to change at a rapid rate. Everything looks different, feels different, even smells different. I understand what the new-age Buddhists mean now, that each person can be in their own world and inhabit a completely different place, despite sharing space with others. I can see myself looking onwards on myself when I am here, whatever I am doing, even when I am typing. I know that I am awareness looking out through a human shell, a true ghost in the machine. Deus Ex Humina instead of Deux Ex Machina. It’s surreal and yet enlightening.

Also, I realize that everyone I have been staying with on this trip has been married. I think that I feel my…singleness, for lack of a better word, when I’m around married people. When you’re with somebody you have to consider their thoughts and feelings and how they integrate into your life. You can’t always do whatever you please and you have to mindful of the other person in many different ways. It’s interesting to observe and I really can’t say which is better than the other…since none of my relationships have lasted for more than a few months.

As a side note – my friend has worked at FB and Google and still doesn’t know how to use messages on his new mobile phone. I feel much better about my technologically-challenged ways now.

Oh yes, and his house also has this :

It’s a sign, I tell you.

Very very long day. Gotta sleep. See you all tomorrow with fresh revelations, more pictures and a whole lot of justice.

Another fortuituous day, May Day. Time for church, which I was quite looking forwards to. I never thought the day would come that I would actually be LOOKING FORWARDS TO GOING TO CHURCH. But then again that was before I discovered a church like this.

The sermon was on pornography. I really admire the minister for not shirking such a difficult and potentially controversial topic. She went through the S word, the G word, and the P word without so much as a blush.

I went up to her later and thanked her. As I said to her, as someone who has both used and abused porn, I can see it’s great potential for both good and evil. Like most things. I’ve needed it in my most darkest of days to stay alive, but it’s also been pretty destructive to both my mind and body. Another thing I’m happy to give up and have a healthier relationship with.
Getting used to the difference between church services…for instance, they don’t clap in this church. Also, they link hands at the end.

Look, a festival! Not really. This is that time of the year that the special interest groups try to get recruit. Turns out the church doesn’t often do this, only once a year to be exact. Must be because I was here. I feel so special.

More pictures of stuff :

I like the flags. Why water, though? （水）I guess it’s the most neutral of the 4 (or 5, if you’re Oriental) elements.

Chatted with many friendly people, some of who came up to me, and told some of them about my book and my blog. I learnt that Sacramento is famous for tomatoes and is also called Sacratomato. It’s a sign, I tell you. Good time for me to blog more!

One of the booths was the labyrinth, a time-honored tradition in which someone walks through the twisting walls in order to gain perspective, clarity and other things besides. Sounds like exactly what I need at this time. I walked it and while doing so I was reminded of the books of Amber and Corwin’s walking of the Pattern…which not-so-coincidentally I read while I was in California, 21 years ago.

I could find my way to the center but I couldn’t find my way back, so I just walked in a straight line past everything – cutting the Gordian knot, as it were. That’s how I got to this point, after all.

Also, vikings. It was for a camping trip. Any camping trip with vikings gets my vote.

My best viking impression. Pillage their women, rape their villa…wait. I’ve gotten it the wrong way around.

I must say, I really really like this church. I liked the Mount Diablo one as well but this feels…friendlier? If I stayed there I would totally come to this church all the time.

Time for lunch. My hosts brought me to an Ethiopian restaurant. My first time eating Ethiopian food! Which is more than a little Indian in taste and texture. Delicious though.

Was aware of a slight pounding in my temples while eating which I recognize as…a hangover. Whaddya know! More new experiences. It wasn’t as unpleasant as I initially thought.

More attacks of the past while in the car. But I think it’s getting better. Slowly, I think, the whys start to fade. Why am I not here yet? Why is it taking so long? Why did I have to suffer so much?

So many, many old patterns. I think back to one of my most reliable of blades, the mighty Occam’s Razor. Why does it take so long to heal, why do the scars run so deep? Because neurobiologically speaking, I’ve thought these things and my mind has run on these tracks for 2 decades. As my therapist often tells me, that is enough time for highways of neurons to form, layers and layers of connective tissue that I can’t expect to go away overnight. In recovery there is the physical brain to be aware of as well.

One step at a time. We’re getting there. 前へ進め、あるくのような速さで。(Move forwards, as if at the speed of walking.)

Walked into a random video store and my God, it looks EXACTLY like 21 years ago. The games have all changed but they’re arranged in exactly the same way. There are still VHS tapes! Wut. Expected more nostalgia and feels but there wasn’t that much. Which I’m actually kind of grateful for. Excesses of emotion can be very, very draining. And I think I’m past the OMGWTF stage of my healing.

A nice garden I saw. And some pictures of the town.

Went for a scroll down Sacramento River. Isn’t it beautiful? Everything I’ve seen so far has been nice.

Beautiful clouds. I have like 20 pictures of them but I can’t post them all here. Here are my chosen best picks.

Oh look, long grass. Doesn’t it look like you could find a Pokemon or two in them?

There was a little grassy path that I walked down to see what was at the other side. It’s the kind of place you’d expect to make a sharp left and find a chest with 2 potions and 500 gold.
I always remind myself that everything I see in games usually has some basis in real life.

We came back and had a snack and had more philosophical discussion, and then…we went on another walk.

I love sunsets.

Sunsets…they sometimes make me think of this.

probably my favorite sunset in a video game, in a lifetime spent playing video games. One of the last games I played before leaving California. It’s no wonder I am remembering it now.
Once again we talked about many things. Transcultural issues and jobs, mainly. How some jobs (finance and psychology sprang to mind) required degrees and some others often didn’t. How some things could be done remotely and others couldn’t. The demon inside still wishes me to decide, but I don’t think I can do that yet. I remind myself once again that decisions do not equal security.

The issue of money. For more than a decade I spent less than 500-700 dollars a month to pay for everything – food, clothes, bills, therapy. Not quite poverty, but not exactly a millionaire’s lifestyle either.

I’ve lived that economical existence for so long that it’s like I don’t know any other way to live. But if you were to ask me what I’d like to buy I don’t think I would be able to tell you. I also remember when I was younger and so anti-consumerist I actually wanted to join an antitrust organization at some point. All that I wanted – freedom, love, healing – couldn’t truly be bought with money. I’m not even sure what it means to me now. More things to redefine slowly I guess.

Also the issue of insurance, so different in Singapore and the USA. I remember people exhorting me to buy it in the former and how it is well-nigh essential in the latter (even with Obamacare) Wow, if insurance could pay for mental illness I would have taken out 6 policies ages ago.

How different it is to be considering things at 33, at 19, at 65. Coming from different worlds and with different goals. So much else to say but I don’t want to have 2 more pages of musings. (there is enough in this blog as it is!)

What a privilege it is to do our taxes, to pay our bills, to have to worry about such mundanities as parking and groceries. I remind myself every day – at least no one is trying to kill me anymore! All this time everyone lived in the real world, and I lived in Afganistan (or at least somewhere very similar)

No matter what happens, no matter what obstacles there are, at least it is not the great pain that threatens to overwhelm and consume and destroy me utterly. Life isn’t fighting anymore…it’s life. And for that realization I have endless gratitude.

Went to bed early. It’s been a long day and I have a train trip tomorrow.